Tag Archives: surrender

Harsh or Happy Realities?

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I’ve accepted that I’m going to keep on making mistakes forever. The rest of the world will too. So my life will always be challenging, and the world will often be chaotic.

 

On the other hand, I’ve also come to realize that in any present moment I can always choose to see myself, others, and the world through spiritual eyes–peaceful, accepting eyes–and this small choice will change both my own reality and any reality “out there” in happy and often unknowable ways.

 

What does it mean, to see the world through spiritual eyes? It means to look for and see only the good. It means to let go of past mistakes, ours and everyone else’s, as well as future fears, and instead, focus, here and now, on the good that is right before us.

 

There’s a spiritual trick to all this, though. Whenever we react negatively toward ourselves and others—as we all often do, almost continuously, in fact, because we’re well-trained judgment machines—whenever we’re feeling judgmental and resistant, we can ask our favorite higher power to help us see that person or situation differently. If we’ll look, listen, and wait for our answer, we’ll soon see with new eyes, new sight.

 

Using this approach, I create every day, for myself and for others, a different, better reality than I could create alone.

 

As more and more people realize that acceptance of whatever and whoever we see is our primary work in this world, we can all relax. Instead of mirroring a fearful collective craziness, we’ll reflect the higher eternal truths and realities we all recognize during transcendent moments, when we know without question the love of God and the beauty and unity of his creation—however differently we explain such truth.

 

So, does seeing with new eyes mean we should we all fall into denial? Avoid looking at the bad stuff in our lives, and give up on changing or improving it? No. Asking for help in seeing things differently allows us to look more closely at all that is frightening and difficult in our lives—and this time, with acceptance and forgiveness. God will transform all of it into something useful and good.

 

Life will always bring up an endless stream of personal judgments and resistances begging for transformation. Although we’ve all made mistakes, none are so dark they can’t be made light if we so choose. All our relationships can be changed, all our sadness, our hard lessons turned to good purpose and peace.

 

Each of us is powerful far beyond anything we now believe. We’ve already shown ourselves powerful enough to project a whole world—a terrible one. And to see ourselves as hopeless cases. And everyone else as no better than we. Usually worse.

 

If we want something to be true, even if it’s some cruel reality we’ve settled on as the only kind we can rationally and honestly imagine, then soon enough we’ll find the evidence necessary to reinforce even such a sad belief system. We’ll no doubt react indignantly and angrily to the fearful world we’ve surrounded ourselves with, but we’ll continue to look for, reinforce, and initiate evidence for it, until eventually we make for ourselves not only a personal state of near-insanity, but a planetary madhouse as well.

 

Instead of resigning ourselves to chaos and despair, however, we can use our awesome creative power to turn things around. We can courageously drop our defenses and barriers to caring. We can turn the insanities of this world into happier realities by using our awesome power to see and create a different, better world for all.

 

I could not have imagined how lovable my former “enemies” could become—all my crosses-to bear, even my own useless ugly self—until I chose to see each person and each situation differently, with eyes that let the past go, let mistakes go, overlooked shortcomings and fear, and saw only good.

 

To be sure, I often forget to choose to see differently, moment-to-moment–that’s where the “I’ll never get anything right” part comes in….  Yes, I’ll keep on making mistakes, and add to the drama and confusion instead of transforming it—and so will everyone else. God had his reasons for making humans fallible, but he also made us capable of learning and loving.

 

When I look on others with loving, spiritual eyes, I give them an amazing gift—the gift of seeing themselves completely differently—more loving, more beautiful and good than they ever realized. My accepting vision accurately reflects back to them the truth about their deepest nature, which is no less than the most thoughtful present anyone can ever give to another human being.

 

We all wish we could receive only such loving gifts from one another. We appreciate it so much when others give us the benefit of the doubt, choose to see us in our best light and as our best-possible selves. What other kind of help could encourage us so much to become the best people we can be?

 

The gift of seeing our own strengths and goodness is not one we can easily give ourselves. It takes another person choosing to see us lovingly, to see our own selves at our best. Most often, we only know our love and power when it is reflected in the appreciation that is shining in the eyes of another, in response to our own similar gifts to them.

 

What a delightful moment-to-moment reality this can be: whenever we choose, we can see the best in others, see ourselves lovingly reflected in their eyes, and offer one another a new reality, a chance to see ourselves anew. Genuine mutual admiration societies are happy places, just as relationships based on fearful judgments are hotbeds only for more fear and sadness.

 

On an eternal scale, seeing everything spiritually is what we’re here for. God created each of our lives, and this wonderful planet, this universe, as his great gift to us, for our delight, but also for his. Our mission, should we decide to accept it, is to love his gift—our world, ourselves, each other—in each moment of eternity, asking his help to see his creations freshly each moment, through accepting, spiritual eyes.

 

We do not live in a “same-for-everyone” reality that is somehow “out there”—No. Instead, each of us uniquely reflects what’s “in here”— whatever belief systems we’ve chosen to embrace about how the world works. Yet, although we each experience our individual realities differently, eternal spiritual reality doesn’t change. The ultimate truths about what lasts eternally—God’s goodness and love for his creation—are truly beyond our mere human brains’ explanatory abilities. But even if we can’t explain it, we can experience eternal truth whenever we choose to.

 

Spiritual realities aren’t intuitively obvious in most day-to-day lives. We’re so used to our familiar, if less-than-pleasant, mundane realities that we overlook other perspectives. We're like goldfish swimming around and around in our bowls. We don’t even notice the water we're in because it’s always just sort of been there. We’re unwilling to create waves in our already turbulent inner lives by considering a radically different worldview.

 

If we’ve concluded that we’re pretty much alone in a meaningless universe, in competition with everyone else, forced to fight for every inch until we die, we can find all the evidence we need to continue to reinforce that belief system in everything we do, in everyone we meet, in everything we learn. As necessary, we’ll project what we believe onto our experiences, and act in ways that fulfill our prophecies.

 

Life becomes more and more difficult, interspersed with peaceful moments of refuge and transcendence when we intuit a world that makes more sense. But we keep turning back to what we know, or to what we think we know. We hang on to our tough-guy philosophies “for dear life,” because, no matter how hopeful alternative views may appear, no matter how hard our present lives are, we’re—sort of—used to them already. Our cold approach to life feels familiar, and what is familiar feels safer than launching into an unfamiliar world of ideas and relationships, into uncertain territory that turns our whole way of looking at life upside-down.  

 

Even if we don’t have a lot in our lives right now, at least we have what we know. Or we sort of have what we think we know. Or at least, we don’t have what we don’t know…we think. And for that small shred of certainty, we’re willing to sacrifice all other possible alternative realities. Too exhausted and beaten down from upholding our chaotic, leaky thought systems to try anything new, we settle for “being right” about what we already think; we cling desperately to our little lifeboats of certainty in our personal storms.

 

Thinking our belief system the least-worst option, we “right”-eously keep choosing to see a chaotic world full of unacceptable players—ourselves included—as more predictable, reliable, more controllable than any as-yet unknown, different worldview might be. Somehow, someday—we hope—we’ll learn how to manage the mean world we’ve chosen. Someday, surely, we’ll get used to it, learn how to deal with it—once we’ve figured out the rules.

 

But there are no rules for a spiritually empty world, a loveless, meaningless void. Life sucks and then you die. As life’s difficulties multiply, it becomes ever more important to be right about the way we’ve always seen things, because as long as we can keep on pounding away at what we think we know, as long as we can keep on looking into the same dark corners for the cheese that isn’t there anymore, as long as we can keep piling up the evidence that says “I’m right”—only then will we feel we have some chance of muddling through at least until we die–which is all that anyone can do anyway, no matter how we look at things….

 

Yet, over the course of a lifetime . . . some people seem generally contented, happy, resilient, positive, cheerful, optimistic, while the rest of us become more and more miserable. Why is that?

 

Tough-minded pragmatic stoics have lots of plausible theories to explain this phenomenon, theories which fit semi-satisfactorily, if not cozily, into their unhappy belief systems.

 

But what if the differences in the lives of accepting people, and resistant, fearful people, arise in large part mostly from their different choices about what they want to see, about what reality they choose to create, in the world, in their relationships…?

 

We can all choose to undertake a completely new life-task, a purpose different than any we’ve chosen before. And that new choice of purpose will make all the difference. We can choose to see the world, ourselves, and others as acceptable and lovable, through spiritual eyes, asking for the help we need to see each moment’s challenges, one by one, differently.

 

Yes, we’ll keep on making stupid mistakes—forever—and everyone else will too. Because we’re human, we’ll often forget to ask for help, or forget to act on it. But seeing through visionary spiritual sight isn’t as difficult a change as you might think. God only requires from us a tiny bit of willingness. He will handle all the rest.

 

He’ll take each mistake we offer him, all our sad stuff, and transform it—all of it—into something useful and good. Someday, too, he’ll take the new improved world we’ve made, all the happier realities we’ve created, and work the same wonderful transformations with it. We can’t do everything that’s needed, powerful though we are, but we can do what we can do—our small parts—and leave the rest up to him.

 

When we choose to see through spiritual eyes, the whole world quite miraculously will become a happier, more peaceful place, both for ourselves and for everyone else. Each time we remember to ask to see whatever comes our way differently, we take the small necessary step to change both what's “in here” and “out there.” As we invite God to do his mysterious work, we change reality.

 

 

 

E.P. Harmon welcomes your comments!

epharmon@adelphia.net

 

 

 

 

Buzzards, Crystal Moments, and Matters of Life and Death

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I memorized a poem as a schoolchild, about a boy walking through woods, who sees a deer suddenly flash past, pursued by dogs. “Life and death upon one tether,” the poet wrote, “and running beautiful together.” I thought of that poem yesterday as I enjoyed my yoga routine on the deck in the early fall sunshine. Unknowingly, I too was marked for death, although my thoughts were light, uplifted by exercise, meditation and blue sky.

 

I lay on my mat, eyes closed, stretching up first one leg and then the other, wriggling my toes, waggling my feet to loosen my ankles.

 

I lifted up my eyes to see four buzzards circling high above me, puzzled as to whether this hapless human below them—obviously writhing in her final death throes—would meet her demise sooner or disappointingly later.

 

The arrival of my aspiring buzzards reminded me of another time, when I found a dead doe strangled by baling wire on my father’s Texas ranchette. Her fawns and the other members of Dad’s wild, corn-fed herd kept respectful watch nearby—curious, accepting—as I raged, anguishing over what I judged to be her arbitrary, meaningless and cruel fate, aching that I hadn’t seen her in time to save her.

 

I called the sheriff’s office to pick up the corpse.

 

Next morning, although the sheriff hadn’t yet arrived, the buzzards had. Forty turkey buzzards quarrelsomely gorged themselves ‘til they couldn’t fly, putting on quite a show across the front lawn. At first I hated them, but soon watched with fascination this exotic display of life and death so beautifully tethered. The buzzards ate to live; they too had young to feed. They did their buzzardly parts that day, and eventually, my dad and I, and the deer herd, wandered off to do ours.

 

I used to create elaborate plots—deals, really—intended to deflect similarly horrible and pointless fates for myself and my loved ones, hoping to manipulate or trick my strange, unfriendly, exacting god into somehow liking me more than his other less-lucky, ill-starred creatures (poor bastards!) As if death and eternal suffering could plausibly be just punishments meted out by a loving god to all but a favorite few….

 

My poor doe had done nothing to deserve her unkind fate except to share equally in the impartial mortality that is part and parcel of the gracious gift of earthly territory all creatures are heir to.

 

Back on the deck yesterday, my four buzzards continued their high, slow cycles. Then there were five of them, and eventually a sixth who startled me by swooping down low over my roof to study me fixedly with a red, dispassionate eye. Evidently content that my time had not yet come, my ugly friend floated upwards to inform his companions grumpily—(“Nope, not yet!”)—and they wheeled lazily away, sparing me for yet another day in paradise.

 

This morning, swinging in my hammock, looking up through the trees, I see two more buzzards in the distance. The fact that I’m seeing more buzzards these days must mean something….

 

Perhaps it means that I’m sharing more time outdoors with them in peaceful awareness, seeing this world (and whatever may come after) through freshly accepting, non-judgmental eyes, a dreamy new lover discovering for the first time the everyday abundance of wishing-dandelions and shooting stars.

 

 

(I wrote this little essay a while back….. Here, copied off the net, is the crystallizing poem which inspired me…)  

 

Crystal Moment
by Robert Peter Tristram Coffin

 

Once or twice this side of death
Things can make one hold his breath.

From my boyhood I remember
A crystal moment of September.

A wooded island rang with sounds
Of church bells in the throats of hounds.

A buck leaped out and took the tide
With jewels flowing past each side.

With his head high like a tree
He swam within a yard of me.

I saw the golden drop of light
In his eyes turned dark with fright.

I saw the forest's holiness
On him like a fierce caress.

Fear made him lovely past belief,
My heart was trembling like a leaf.

He leans towards the land and life
With need above him like a knife.

In his wake the hot hounds churned
They stretched their muzzles out and yearned.

They bayed no more, but swam and throbbed
Hunger drove them till they sobbed.

Pursued, pursuers reached the shore
And vanished. I saw nothing more.

So they passed, a pageant such
As only gods could witness much,

Life and death upon one tether
And running beautiful together.

 

 

 

 

A History of Violence Offers Hope For A Less-Violent Future

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A History of Violence is a very good movie. Yes, the violence is graphic and hard to take, but that’s a positive thing in a movie intent on provoking thought and dialogue on the subject of violence. So, for you many testosterites (both male and female) who depend for your jollies upon superhuman heroes gloriously avenging the depraved acts of craven evildoers—and if you also happen to be married to a Quaker spouse—this is the family movie for you. If you gotta have gore, at least this gore isn’t simplistic; it’s powerful, purposeful, effective gore.

 

I was gripped and thoroughly entertained by A History of Violence. The production displayed a beautiful Casablancan integrity–nothing superfluous, nothing left out.

 

The movie’s many surprising moments of really funny dark humor were a nice added kick. At its blackest, life is ridiculously insane, and laughter covers the sad eyes of clowns; it's never either/or. Shakespeare knew this. So, this sad, funny, violent movie makes perfect sense as it moves along inexorably, belly laughs preceding abject tragedy setting up comic tittering introducing disaster….

 

History is also authentically moving, a tricky thing to do considering the thin fine line between effective emoting and hokey schmaltz. It’s a rare treat to have my jaded heartstrings expertly twanged by a good script in the hands of an inspired director leading brilliant actors.

 

History’s clarion response to the long-standing ethical question: When is violence morally justified? Only when you or someone you personally love is directly, persistently and seriously threatened. History’s imperfect characters conscientiously persevere in minding their own business, and endure the injustice of repeated outrageous attempts to provoke them to retaliatory violence–without adding to it–demonstrating the multitude of non-violent options available to unwilling participants.

 

I also appreciated the movie’s generous advocacy for second chances, and third ones, and however many it takes. In this movie, people who make big mistakes (no matter how big) receive support, not punishment–at least so long as they convincingly demonstrate conscientious intentions and results over time. History’s message–that sometimes motivated people can and do change—isn’t heavy-handedly religious; Tom admits that even after three long years in the desert, he wasn’t really born again until he met his wife. We all need both God and man to lift us up over our barriers to caring.

 

The very explicit but lively and original sex scenes were touching and memorable, and essential to the movie’s theme, since affection, loyalty, intimacy, and sexuality are often all that hold humanity to sanity and purpose.

I enjoyed watching Tom, like Lady Macbeth, futilely attempt to scrub the blood from his hands, and then receive the grace to be washed clean, rebaptised—forgiven–probably for the seventy-times-seventh time.

 

I wish the writers had clearly disavowed any hint that a schizophrenic split-personality-thing might be going on. For a confused moment I thought the story was bending that way, which would have disappointed me. I was relieved when it turned out to be about one man’s honest efforts at transformation.

 

Tom’s brief but telling dialogue with his brother offered a perfectly adequate argument for his stunning attempt to climb up from the horrendous dark pit of his childhood environment.

 

The movie offered several intriguing mini-plots—one for each character—most of them feel-good stories anyone could relate to. When Tom’s son finally got around to soundly beating up the kids who had continually attacked him, our theatre audience cheered. And when our thoroughly besmirched and discredited, yet undeniably righteous champion returned home, his family’s acceptance felt honest and right.

 

So why is it that we Americans still feel comfortable flinging our invading armies into the far corners of our empire, to threaten the persons and homes and families and livelihoods of complete strangers who are quietly trying to get ahead, in the lands of their ancestors? Where do we get off invading other countries, tearing up their infrastructure, disrupting their social fabric, blowing up their children? A History of Violence should make perfectly clear that people (of all creeds) who are doing their best to care for their families deserve to be left alone.

 

If my gentle reader still holds a belief that our superior culture justifies empire-building, I suggest you go back to your Bible, perhaps starting with the part about the kindly Jewish itinerant rabbi, Jesus, delivering his Beatitudes and his Sermon on the Mount. As A History of Violence demonstrates: fighting for peace on this incredibly small, interconnected and fragile planet–unless the bad guys are really climbing in your window—makes about as much sense in the real world as it does in the movies.

 

 

 

Acceptance 13 – More questions about “acceptance”….

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(This is the latest segment of a 15-part series of questions and answers about “acceptance” which I began posting early in 2005. I think the series is best read from the beginning, so click on the topic “acceptance” if you would like to see the whole series. All the October posts to the series were written quite a while ago, but I never got around to posting them. So I'm doing it now, in case readers want to read the complete series, as originally written….Thanks! Eppy)

I guess it's impossible to fix/change the whole world and everyone in it, and I guess I couldn't control it if I could fix it. But it's very hard to fix me, and all my reactions. I've spent a long time accumulating all this stuff.

So what else are you doing for the rest of your life? I'm just suggesting a moment-to-moment substitute. Currently, you freak out at a lot of things. I'm just suggesting that you try acceptance instead of freaking, and see what that changes. It's a start. Both are hard paths, but one leads to peace of mind.

How does acceptance work, in psychological terms?

Everyone's experience in life is different, so although what is “real”–“out there”–may be the same for all of us, what is “real”–“in here”–our experience of life, of others, of ourselves, of the here-and-now–is unique to each individual. So, there is the stuff “out there,” and there is the stuff we add to it to make it ours, all our thoughts, emotions, images, explanations, history, fears, hopes, dreams–you know, our “stuff.”

Acceptance is a practice that helps us change the way we respond to the stuff “out there” in more effective ways. When we practice acceptance, when we work to “be with” the stuff “out there” without adding all our own personal stuff on top of it, we learn to operate with much less extra baggage added on to “what is” in life, in the world, in ourselves, and in others. It really helps to notice, to be aware, of how much stuff (often negative) we bring to what “just is.” And it really is amazing how rich and full and interesting life is, just as it is, when we can live in the present and interact with life without a lot of heavy baggage interfering with our immediate interactions with “what is,” in the present moment.

Where does acceptance fit in with philosophical traditions? Religious traditions?

Acceptance of “what is” has long been counseled in all philosophical and religious traditions. Acceptance seems to be the beginning of wisdom, and is often only attained, if at all, in maturity or old age, often because life is too difficult by then to face without some help. Acceptance offers a lot of help. Maybe our smaller, faster globe has sped up life so much today that sensitive people need to learn acceptance much younger, just to keep on living.

I believe in the Bible as the infallible, direct, consistent and always true Word of God. How does acceptance square with the teachings of the Bible?

The Book of Job, many of the Psalms and Proverbs, and many other teachings in the Old Testament are all about learning acceptance. Jesus always counseled accepting the will of God, i.e., “what is,” and set a fine example of submitting his will to his father's, despite his trials and terrible crucifixion. Nothing in the Bible contradicts the many benefits of acceptance. Acceptance doesn't imply complacency or inaction or indifference.

I believe in a clear right and wrong, an obvious good and an obvious evil. How does acceptance square with these beliefs?

Strong convictions, strong values, and a strong sense of morality are real assets when they are not misused. We all have experienced people who follow the letter of the law and miss the spirit. Jesus told us clearly to treat others as we would like to be treated. He also said that love of God and man contained “all the law, and the prophets.” Acceptance is not about making everything mushy and gray, or accepting bad, wrong things. It's about living peacefully and graciously and lovingly in the present, with the things that can't be changed now, so that we can rise up during the next instant calmly and effectively, hopefully to right the wrongs, and to shine the light of good on darkness.

I'm terribly afraid of dying. How can acceptance help me?

You're not afraid of dying, but of the struggle against dying. You're afraid of your life ending before you're finished with what you want to do, afraid of the difficult process of dying, and afraid of what suffering might come after death. Many religions recommend dying before death: sitting with others who are dead or dying, and meditating on death. Acceptance of death and dying comes with not pushing away the thoughts of death, just sitting quietly with thoughts of death, while you're alive.

While you're dying is not the best possible time to come to peace with death, because dying is hard work, because sometimes it happens suddenly, or painfully. And besides, dying, like being born, is something new, it's change, and thus, is tiring, scary work. Those few who enjoy a peaceful death are usually those who worked to prepare themselves for its acceptance in advance, by accepting the idea of it, by dealing with it.

How can you accept death while living? Sit with it. Don't try to think about it, or look at it, or wallow in all the scary, sad feelings you may have attached to death. Instead, just be with death itself. Just notice all the negative and unhappy stuff that comes up for you despite your willingness to stay unresisting and quiet with your thoughts of death.

What will happen when you try this? The more you pray/meditate/rest unresistingly with the idea of death, the less frightening you will find it to be, until one day, death will just be one more door opening to one more new and different place, a door you will push open with curiosity and eagerness.

I'm shy. How can acceptance help me?

Spend some time with your feelings, right now, in the present moment, about being shy. Eventually, shyness will seem more like what it is–merely an irrational emotional reaction to new situations.

You're afraid of feeling shy because in the past the feeling of shyness panicked you and distracted you from focusing on what you wanted to accomplish. You're not afraid of new things, new situations, or whatever or whoever is facing you, but instead, of that feeling of being paralyzed, helpless, panicky. Get used to the feeling and stop running away from it, pushing it away, resisting it. Go with it. Be with it. Stay with it and stop fighting it. And meanwhile, get into the new person or situation before you as well, without resisting them. Accepting the scariness of shyness, and looking more closely at the needs and requirements of the new person or situation will help you move more quickly and calmly to meet those needs.

I'm generally uncomfortable with members of the opposite sex. How can acceptance help me?

Most of your discomfort with members of the opposite sex is “stuff” that you have learned about them that may not be so, certainly with individuals, and probably not generalizable either. Don't resist all the negativity you feel about them, don't push it away; try to accept that you have a lot of negative stuff on the opposite sex. Try to be aware of it all, be with it, and know that all those negative beliefs and feelings are very real to you, if not necessarily true in every situation.

Eventually, if you can learn to accept your own reactions and beliefs, you will gradually learn to react to each person that you meet or interact with freshly, without all the stuff you've put onto men or women in the past. You'll find that you're not really uncomfortable with given individuals, but instead, with all the stuff you've assumed about them. Look at all that stuff, accept your fear or distaste or judgment about it, and then look again at individuals. You'll see something new.

Sex and sexuality are difficult for me in many ways. How can acceptance help me?

You're probably less nervous about actual sex and sexuality than you are about all the stuff you've personally attached to the idea of sex. When you think about sexuality in its most basic form–a drive to reproduce—and then you look at all the cultural, emotional and mental stuff we add onto it, it's no surprise that our sexual mechanisms feel gummed up.

Stop pushing your own sexuality away. Accept the idea that among all your other identities, you are a sexual being. Just “be with” all the fears and discomforts that being a sexual being bring up for you. They are all your unique added “stuff” as an individual, separate from any particular sexual act. When you allow yourself to get into “being OK with” all the stuff you previously resisted, pushed away, fought against, sexual relations lose a lot of their heaviness, and become a lot more simple, natural, and in-the-present “what is,” without all the heavy stuff you add onto them.

I can handle my own sorrows, but I can't handle my children's, past, present or future. How can acceptance help me?

Well, for one thing, you don't have to handle them. Your children do. And they will do it better if they have a calm, courageous, supportive friend to encourage them along the way…. But sit with your present fears and sadness. Stop pushing them away. Just be with them for awhile, without reacting to them. Observe them, know them, accept that what is, is. With this calm and lack of resistance, you will be much better able to offer your children the peaceful support they need to move forward in life toward their own dreams and goals and greater understanding.

My life is OK as long as I can work, stay busy, and contribute. But I'm getting older, frailer, less capable, and it scares me. What can acceptance do for me?

Spend some time with the idea of helplessness. Don't think about it, react to it or develop a lot of mental pictures about it. Just sit with the idea unresistingly. Most of the reactive stuff you have to helplessness is about your own sense of self, about your actions in the past and your hopes for your own future. You don't, for instance, react against helplessness in others, you don't judge it as wrong or disgusting, except as it reflects on thoughts of your own helplessness.

Try to sit quietly with the idea of helplessness, and as the reactions and thoughts and pictures come up, notice them, accept them unemotionally, and let them go. Eventually you'll realize that complete helplessness, without all the stuff that people tend to attach to the idea when it applies to themselves, is quite neutral. It's just what it is. Then extend this acceptance to the idea of your being gradually less capable. Finally, look at your present capabilities, with new eyes.

How does acceptance work? I mean, what's the trick of it?

Acceptance is about learning to stay in the present moment, and be with, unresistingly, what is in the present, no matter how frightening your reactions and feelings might seem. In learning to do this, you learn a lot about what is not part of the present moment. You learn that your culture and your experience have added a lot of emotional and mental stuff to the present moment that put a lot of heaviness and fear into it. When you can be with the present moment and its challenges, separated from all of the extra baggage of culture, individual experience, assumptions and fears, then you can handle it, move past it, and move forward effectively toward making the changes you want to see in your life.

It's fine and dandy to “fix” myself so I'll be more peaceful and happy, but what about the rest of the world? Does acceptance mean that I jsut abandon everyone and everything and go within and be peaceful and meditate or something?

Hey, fixing yourself ain't all that easy…. It took each of us quite a long time to get so messed up…. So, a certain amount of time spent working at acceptance in all the various areas of our lives that we've messed up is necessary….

But every step in learning acceptance in the various areas of your life will also be steps toward being more effective in relationships and in making the difference you want in your life and in the world. It all happens simultaneously. The more peaceful and accepting you can be about “what is,” the more committed and persistent and persevering and focused you will become, the more calm and positive and effective you will become. Working at acceptance changes the way you respond to situations and people, which will make you happier and more effective.

I can't stand relativism. “Everything's relative” is such a weak place to come from. Everything's not relative; it's clearly one thing or another–good or bad, right or wrong. So we can accept what's right and good, and reject what's wrong and bad. Right?

Strong values, strong convictions, a strong moral and ethical sense are great gifts. They come from a lifetime of assessing situations and trying to make the choices and decisions that are the most helpful. The hardest decisions are the ones in which we weigh two goods against each other, or try to find a best alternative among few attractive options–in other words, the gray areas….

Killing is wrong, but what about in a just war? Divorce is wrong, but what if abuse and adultery are committed? Shall I feed the baby, get dinner for the family, or respond to my son's urgent request for understanding on his homework? And so on. In real life, we have to weigh individual goods and evils, rights and wrongs, relative to some other goods and evils, rights and wrongs.

Acceptance that life is very difficult and that each moment presents brand new challenges for acceptance of “what is,” right now, that moral decisions are often difficult and perplexing, allows us to move forward calmly and lovingly to make good decisions and choices about the difficult gray areas, the areas of moral/ethical confusion that we often find ourselves in.

 

 

 

Acceptance 12 – Life is too damn hard, and so is change. I accept that I need to give up and nothing is ever going to change. Ever. There. Are you satisfied?

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Life is hard and so is change. And yes, you can accept that the world and people are going to always be … natural … challenging … the way they are. No surprises there. But give up? Give up what? The struggle?

First, consider letting go of the idea of “struggle.” Think instead of peacefully chipping away at long-term open-ended tasks.

Imagine a circle drawn around you–your circle of comfort.

If you choose to give up on changing things, on chipping away, your life won't get easier, because your “circle of comfort” will shrink if you stop working for change.

If you choose to stop pushing out on your circle of comfort, the world has a way of pushing back in on you, hard. So either way, you'll end up pushing–either for your own chosen goals, or to keep your circle of comfort from shrinking down to nothing but discomfort.

So why not pick a few things that you want to improve or change, and push a little at them? Better to push than be pushed, and doing one of the two seems to be the only choice we have. We don't seem to have the choice to hide out, quit, be neutral for too long, because the world just keeps on pushing. Your zone of comfort and peace keeps getting smaller unless you keep pushing its boundaries out. So pick some things to push for and work at. Yes, it's a lot of trouble, but so is doing nothing.

What I'd like to change is everything about me, everyone else and the world. But it ain't gonna happen. So now what?

So approach life the way you would approach eating an elephant. Bite by bite. So you can't do everything. So do something. What are you going to do today?

Sometimes I can accept things, and when I do, everything does seem different. But then I can't keep it going. I slip into my old ways and thoughts and everything's the same again, the same old fight, the same old thoughts. I give up!

When you have spent your life up until now overwhelmed by the immensity of its problems and challenges, it's hard to dim that awareness down to just right-now, just this-moment, just today, which frankly, is much more interesting, fuller, richer, and more potentially powerful than any big picture. But when you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of life and its problems, go small, go now, go present, and accept what is, today, now. Accept what's challenging you today. And from the peace that that acceptance brings, in the present, you will find the energy and the peace to move forward on the small steps you choose to take today.

But each day, when you feel discouraged? Stop. Accept whatever it is in-the-now that you're resisting, and you'll be able to move forward. This can happen in a second if that's the time you have.

Ask and it shall be given unto you, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. Just ask for the acceptance you need, and for the answers.

I'm sick of the pressure to do different, to be better, to always be pushing for change. Yet I'm not satisfied with the way things are. How can acceptance help me?

Probably there are ways that you are that you like, even if some others don't, and you're naturally resisting their pressure for you to change those. Or there are things about yourself you've accepted as what-is, and you are currently unmotivated to change in those areas. Acceptance of what-is today includes acceptance of yourself as-you-are and others as-they-are, including their unwanted pressures. When you can accept both of these, you will be in a peaceful place to work in small steps toward changing the things you choose to work on. Let go of the rest, for now.

 

 

 

Acceptance 11 – I hate the world. It's a mess. How can accepting a big mess help or change anything?

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God apparently intended for the world to be as it is, since this is the way he created it, and he is all-powerful and all-wise and all-good, by definition. He doesn't mess up, and he didn't mess up with the world. For whatever reason, he wanted it as it is: based on the evidence, he seems to like immutable natural laws–birth, death, rebirth, cycles, change over time, variety, diversity, potential for anything and everything. His creatures (including us) seem capable of amazing greatness and smallness. That's what he made, what he wanted, and what he called 'good.' Who are we to argue with god?

So, accept the way the world is, notice that actually, it's pretty interesting and full of possibility, even if heartache and challenge and loss are also part of it. Then decide what you want to do with your time on earth, as everyone else will. Will we/they change the world? Yes, in small or big ways. Will we/they make the world or human nature fundamentally different from what God made it? No. But that still leaves each of us a lot of room for play, fun, ambition, profit, loss, adventure, accomplishment, and changes of all kinds.

Everyone drives me crazy. Everyone irritates me, is stupid, mean, crazy. And that's not going to change. So how can acceptance help?

It's true that people will always be as they are–fallible, weak, mistaken, often harmful, etc. You're right that that will never change, because God made all of us capable of being all things–harmful, harmless, helpful, and all the things in between, as we choose.

But that doesn't mean you have to accept being irritated or hurt by others, either now or forever. You can work with your reaction to other people, but the first step is to accept them as they are, to learn to accept that they are what they are and may or may not ever change, as they choose.

With that acceptance, you can go a very long way toward changing your own irritation or over-reaction to the way they are, though. Your high blood pressure and racing angry thoughts and self-righteously indignant pulse can change. Acceptance of others as-they-are-now, along with acceptance of yourself as you are now, can lead to a greater quietness, gentleness, peace of mind with others, and with yourself. But acceptance comes first.

First you gotta get that they are who they are and you are who you are, and for now, you can be OK with what is. Armed with that first step, with that calm, in the present, you can take the small steps that will change your reaction to others, which in itself, often makes a huge difference in others' behavior toward you. Day by day, as you accept others today, you will find that your relationships improve, are calmer, easier, friendlier. They'll just work better all around.

I really don't think much will ever change–not me, not them, nothing. Things are what they are. I am what I am. What will be will be. How can acceptance help or change anything?

Remember the serenity prayer, the one about knowing what things to accept and what things to change? You're right that the world will stay the world, with all its natural heartaches and losses and limitations. And you're right that people will always be people, forever capable of mistakes, failings, weaknesses, fears, foolishness, harm.

What you can change is: all the rest. Given what you have to work with–nature's laws and fallible humans–there is still a lot you can do. You can't make anything perfect, but you can chip away and improve it, for a time. Look around you and you'll see millions of people doing just that, making themselves and their situations better. Not all it once, but very gradually, step by step, over the course of their lives. They pick a few things to work on–whatever they find most urgent or interesting–and then chip away at them. What will you choose to chip away at?

 

 

 

Acceptance 10 – Why should I change? I like myself the way I am.

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I can accept that. Can you?

What CAN'T acceptance do? What are we stuck with, no matter how accepting we become?

People are going to go on dying, being born, getting sick. People are going to keep on making mistakes. We will never get everything right, any relationship, any situation, but we can improve them, and we can enjoy life more. We will always have challenges. God made us and the world the way it is, the way we are, and the cycle of life, illness, death, and human errors seems to be the way he wanted things to be. Part of what is possible in the world and in other people is cruelty and unkindness and nature's catastrophes and the things that happen seemingly beyond our control. But whenever we accept, whatever we accept, it all helps us move on–to work, to love, to living more fully and more happily. When we accept, then we can find the energy to keep chipping away, to change ourselves, our relationships, and our world, little by little. And that's a lot.

I don't like myself at all. Changing is too hard and I don't think I'll ever be able to do it enough to like myself. But I can't accept that I'll be this way forever. What now?

Yes, you will always be you, with heartaches and challenges, and with things you want to improve. That's all you have to accept, for today, for now–that you are not all you wish you could be, and never will be. You will never be 'perfect,' whatever that means, and neither will anyone else. Based on all the evidence I see, God didn't make human beings that way, doesn't expect it of them, and isn't disappointed in them. But God does seem interested in change, diversity, variety, learning, growth, because all over the world, people are doing different things with their time on earth, with their powers and energies and lives. So choose something, and do it, by chipping away around the edges at something. Improve something. You won't ever get it perfect nor will anyone else, but for now, for today, and gradually, as mountains are moved shovelful by shovelful, as an elephant is eaten bite-by-bite, you'll make some changes in some areas that are most interesting or important to you, and so will everyone else. So what would you like to do today, with your new acceptance?

Acceptance 9 – Acceptance seems to work, but it's so hard. Any suggestions? Help?

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One of the things that 'just is,' is that change is sometimes slow and difficult (and sometimes instant and easy too, as in those happy moments when the dawn breaks and everything is suddenly nicer and clearer and we understand some things that we didn't understand before–and now everything seems much easier.) When you ask for acceptance (and it does help to ask for it) don't put a time limit on yourself, don't struggle, don't worry about speed. (If you don't have much time, just give it what you have and that will be enough.) Just stay in the right-now for-the-moment, forget yesterday and who you were then, let go of worrying about tomorrow (it won't do any good anyway), and just be OK with right now, with this minute, today.

Another thing that helps in learning acceptance is taking quiet time to just sit and be in the space of accepting-now-what-is. If you can find a few moments to be by yourself, meditate or pray, sitting or kneeling–and just be in the present, accepting what is in the present without thinking. Mentally make an effort to stay with the very stuff you used to push away and run away from.

Noticing and replacing non-accepting thoughts with other, accepting thoughts works. Make up your own happy mantra; my favorite is 'Surrender.'

Here's another approach: Get active when you're feeling non-accepting. It's hard to hold unpleasant thoughts and feelings when you're busy doing physical stuff, although not all people can be active (an area of 'limitation' one can learn to accept.)

Do something nice for someone: It's hard to think bad thoughts when you're being nice. Think positively: try to find something good about everything and everyone (including yourself). Count your blessings. Thinking good thoughts is an approach which really works when I can't fall asleep. I list every little thing I own, every face that ever smiled my way even for a minute, every raindrop, every ray of sunshine, the shoes on my feet and the spoon I eat with. All are gifts that I have been blessed with (think of life without them!) It helps me to accept my challenges when I take time to remember how blessed I am.